General Guidelines for Parenting
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First Rule: There are no rules.
by Elaine M. Gibson
My basic rule of parenting is: There are no rules. The same thing will not work for everybody and things that work for nearly everybody won't always work. By experience, I've found that it is better to prevent problems than solve them. The following guidelines are as close to "rules" as I care to get.

1. Respect yourself. Be firm. Children will not respect a parent who has no self-respect. Respect your child. Be kind. Kids have tender feelings.

2. Have as few rules as possible for your kids. Don't have a rule you can't enforce or won't enforce. Choose your battles carefully. Less hassles

3. Explain the rules before a child breaks one, not afterwards. Speak at the child's level (heads even) and make eye contact. Check for understanding by saying,"Tell me the rule." Don't ever ask, "Do you understand?"

4. Make the rules and set expectations appropriate to the child's age. Children becomes adults gradually, don't force it.

5. Avoid giving direct orders. There are better ways to win cooperation. Describe problems and let children tell themselves what to do. Instead of "Get your books off the table," try "Your books are on the table and the table needs to be set for dinner."

6. Give children a choice when they misbehave: Do you want to stop playing or leave the table? If no decision is made, make the decision for them.

7. Don't give a choice when one doesn't exist. Avoid "okay." The word "okay?" at the end of sentence tells the child he HAS a choice. "It's time for bed, Okay?" Don't ask "Would you like to take a bath now?" when it's bathtime. Announce, "Bath time!"

8. Don't give unlimited choices. "What do you want for breakfast?" will lead to hassles. "Do you want eggs or cereal?" Much better.

9. There are three things you can never force a child to do: eat, sleep, and potty. If you try, you will lose. Children win if they engage parents in battle. You can't force a child to eat but you can make certain he comes to the table hungry. Separate bedtime from sleeptime. Keep children in bed at bedtime but they can choose to sleep or not. If you force a child to go to the potty, watch out for revenge, "accidents later."

10. Catch a child being good. What you notice you get more of.

11. Don't act like a child did something on purpose when it was an accident. Mistakes are not the same as faults. Teach how to make restitution, make amends, or sincerely apologize. These are life skills.

12. Avoid the following questions: Did you do it? (Did you see me?) Why did you do this? (don't know) or What happened? (Let's see, lamp broken on floor -- parents don't get it... parents not very bright). These questions teach a child to lie. Instead, state the problem and serve up the consequences.

13. Stay out of sibling arguments. You can never be the referee. Both kids will turn on you.

14. Don't protect children from the consequences of their actions. If the logical consequences are reasonable in the first place, enforce them. If the natural consequences aren't dangerous, let them happen. Don't accept promises or remorse thinking they won't do it again. They will learn to be manipulative. Consequences teach the lesson, not words. Yes, they will suffer. This is part of learning.

15. Avoid severe punishment. Logical or natural consequences teach the appropriate behavior AND responsibility for one's actions. Cruel punishment teaches revenge.

16. Give children your attention and your time. They can't live without it.

17. Trust your instincts. When you love from the heart, you can't go too far wrong. Children are very forgiving.

Arguing With Teenagers? What NOT To Say
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Nobody can keep a cool head all the time but if you try and bear these points in mind, family arguments can end quicker and be patched up sooner.
When arguing about something, don't launch an all-out attack on your teen's appearance, behaviour or friends. Stick to the specific behaviour you don't like and talk about that.
Talk about what your teen does, not what he is
Stick to the specific behaviour you don't like and talk about that. Be emphatic about what you expect and what you feel, but stay cool. A polite request stating your own position is more likely to have an effect than name-calling.
Don't say...
'You're so selfish, you never think of other people, playing that awful music at all hours of the night.'
Do say...
'I want some peace late at night and so do the neighbours. Please can you turn off your music after eleven o'clock so we can get some sleep.'
Avoid 'always' and 'never'
Usually when people lose their tempers, they tend to overstate their case. Avoid saying 'you always' and 'you never'. (You never clean up after yourself; you always lie to me; you never do enough work to get good marks; you always look a mess.) Your teenager knows that it is unjust and only occasionally true and will bitterly resent it. 'Tell me how bad I am, but don't be surprised if I get worse' is a likely response.
Don't say 'you' - say 'I'
Instead of saying 'You are totally irresponsible' say 'I was very worried when you stayed out so late without letting me know.' Or instead of saying 'You are such a slob' say, 'I don't like it when I come into the kitchen and find a sink full of your dirty dishes. I want you to wash them up now'.
Charts or Chips, Which Should You Use?
A poker chip system is easy and inexpensive. All you need is a box of poker chips and a package of the new disposable food containers. Introduce the plan in a positive way when you show your child the chips and let her personalize her box with markers and glitter. The poker chip system is effective because it encourages immediate consequences for positive and negative behavior.
A chart system is useful when chores or homework are the issues. Use daily stars or stickers for completed tasks with weekly rewards for good performance. Weekend privileges or rewards are clearly dependent on consistently responsible behavior through the week. Charts make sense to kids, and they take pride in a full page of stickers showing their good behavior. Use your word processing software to make a chart, or find some on the Web.
Steps to the Plan
1. Make a list of desirable behaviors that your child needs to learn.If using a chip system, focus on one or two specific goals for intensive behavior change. Or, make a list of generally desirable behaviors, such as cooperation, honesty, kindness, and responsibility. Then, you decide when to reward the child with a chip when he exhibits these qualities. With a chart system, you can use a longer list of specific tasks or behaviors that earn a sticker.
2. Make a list of undesirable behaviors that your child may exhibit.You will need this list to clearly identify the specific behaviors that will cause your child to lose chips (fines). This step is optional if you choose to use a chart system, or you wish to start a chip system using only positive reinforcement. Some examples of undesirable behaviors that could be fined are non-compliance with a parent's request, arguing, and tantrums.
3. Make a list of privileges that your child can earn with chips or stickers.The list needs to include a variety of activities that your child enjoys.
4. Assign values, in number of chips or stickers, for the identified behaviors and privileges.For the system to work effectively, the rules for behavior and rewards should be presented so that everyone clearly understands the plan. Small rewards, such as an hour of choosing her favorite TV programs, will usually cost one or two chips. The price is higher for larger rewards, such as dinner out with the family at the child's favorite restaurant. With a chart system, you can assign levels for different privileges. Earning all stickers every day for a week deserves a big reward. You keep the chart system motivating when you reward smaller privileges based on the number of stickers earned.
5. Introduce the system to your child in a positive way.Most kids enjoy a behavioral system because it helps them know what is expected of them in a structured, but fun way. Explain that you want them to learn good behavior and habits, and this is a way to do it. Begin immediately, and reward chips and stickers generously. If your behaviors and privileges are not lining up fairly, or your child begins to manipulate the system, change it at the end of the week.
6. Be consistent with the system for at least four weeks.If your child changes some behaviors immediately, continue to positively reinforce him for those behaviors, while adding one or two more challenges to his list of rewarded behaviors. After a few weeks on the chip system, take a break and observe your child's progress. You can start back when you recognize a problem. You can use a chart system indefinitely; the beginning of school or summer is a good time to start it.
Printable Charts from the Web
• Cute Behavior Chart for Young KidsChart Jungle
• Chore ChartsChart Jungle
• Chores for Children ChecklistsUseful idea from My Parent Time
• Simply Great Chore ChartThe Youth Online Club
• Nice Printable ChartsHomeschool Forms on the Web
• Free Child Training ResourcesADHD of the Christian Kind
• Print and Give Special Awards for Special EffortVery cute from Billy Bear's Playground